I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
