NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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