I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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