that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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