Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
