hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
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