hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
