Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Come on in and take your pants off
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