Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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