im having a threesome with these popsicles
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
