I cannot find my penis.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
