Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
