just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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