FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
