My room smells like vodka and shame
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My balls are so social today.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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