Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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