someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
