shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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