Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
