We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
