Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
where does the pee come out of this thing
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
