Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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