I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
