How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
