I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
