watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
this beer tastes like vomit already
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
