I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
