he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
