You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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