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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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