it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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