i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
