Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
