no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
