i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
