So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
