I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
