im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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