She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
