phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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