im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
