I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
