i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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