Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
