he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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