see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
