Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize