The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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