dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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