My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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